C - F R E E!!!

I don't know if anyone even checks in here any more, it's been so long since I posted. I took a LONG lunch break I guess. Remaining focus for as long as I did all caught up to me after the last treatment and I had to take some time away from here and a lot of things so I could slowly let the lid off and let myself come to terms with so much that I burried. I had NO idea of the emotions and anger I'd be left with afterwards - especially as I seemed to do so well with everything while going through it. I'm still walking out to the open free field from the sewer and it's still hard, MUCH harder than I ever thought or knew it would be. Nobody ever told me about this part!!! Kind of like being pregnant, nobody ever tells you about the "plug" or the frog position. Somebody PLEASE re-write that damn "What to Expect When You Are Expecting" book and tell these poor stupid woman what they are about to really face.

Okay, so where are things with Tommy today - cancer FREE! That's a BIG relief without a doubt. But he has had and still has many effects of the chemo to face and fight off. In fact, he's nearly 6 years old and we just got his 4 year old shots up to date last Friday. His hair is much thiner and his beautiful eye lashes he had never came back nearly as thick or long. In fact, it was just last week that I looked at him and saw my Chunky Monkey for the first time in 2.5 years and just strated to cry. He finally looks healthy and and just as he did when he was only 3 years old but much older and wiser. Oh that boy is an old old soul. He now has some gerth to him and he's handsome, oh so good looking to me. I am filled with tears to see my son again for the first time in so long. But lost so much time because of the cancer - that is so hard for me to get over. I also missed out on so much with my Maggie Mae. I don't really remember her being a baby - she's been shorted so much of the important things in life - of course she has so much more life to live, but when you as the mother of this beautiful child misses out and knows it and you are never able to recapture that time, you really get upset.

I know so many of you who are reading this are thinking just get over it, he's alive and cancer FREE. Trust me, we are very blessed with the out come and only those who have really lived and walked this hell can even begin to understand the anger that consumes one. Don't worry, we are working through it and sometimes avoiding it - all in a healthy way.

Please check back as I will post more updates and more about Tommy in the next few days. So much more to share and tell - about his health, school and life after chemo and cancer.