FOC

In such a short time, so many things happen and rarely do we plan for most of it and nor are we prepared or even sometimes skilled to mount the next life lesson.

Today, Tommy is 8 1/2 (don't forget that 1/2 year mom!) and over all a thriving, handsome and most loving boy. He has many side effects from the chemo - ALL of it has angered me. Nobody knows half the battles he and we face, the emotional roller coaster has left joy for his living today and heartache for all he has had to endure to survive the horrible disease.

I have learned recently even more complications that he can possibly face and I'm just so sad and mad for a boy who has never known life without the hurdles, the pain and effects of cancer. My pain runs deep and I often have let that pain run my life, often making a more negative effects on all of us. There's no amount of self help books that prepares a family to deal with it all. You have to WANT to change and MAKE the changes to get the results you really want.

Recently, my only brother died at the young age of 46 from cancer. He did not want to die and we did not have the relationship that I wish we could have had, but we had was what he and I were willing to give...wasn't much. Let me rephrase, wasn't enough and now I live in regret that I didn't have what I think we could have or should have had as brother and sister.

Death is such a final event. Gone, silent, emotionally one sided, painful and full of memories. Use to think that when the mom died, the family always fell apart because mom's love is the glue to the bonding of the family. I might have been partly right on that assumption, but in the end, a week family will crumble with the first family death if it is not rightly centered on the family foundations. We had family foundations, but after 17 years of living away, I realized as I looked at the pictures of my family and brother at his memorial that I have been gone for 17 years. That's a long time and let's face it, in 17 years no matter who you are, you are going to grow and change for the good or worse.....but you're going to change based on your life experiences.

It's in the reflections of the last 17 years that I realized that I had been fighting for the same middle ground that I had been fighting for as a child - a spot in the foundation and never making the footing. Lies, stories, with holding information and secrets were unraveling, just like a lose thread of fine woven silk. Leaving a snag and imperfection on the fabric of which it was woven from. It wasn't perfect any more, it wasn't beautiful and now it had a week spot. Like a skilled tailor would do, that thread was pulled away and eventually was cut from the cloth it once was made from.

I am that thread - no longer a part of the cloth that I was from. I didn't want to be separated, but the day I attended my brother's memorial, I realized the cloth had been tailored to fit it's surroundings "as-is". I was no longer part of that fabric. It was evident to all whom attended my brother's service, sister's not talking to each other, as my parents sat with the youngest of the family, me and one of my sisters in a separate row and my dad taking a phone call in the middle of ceremony, that this family has suffered and is still suffering. Now it's another suffering of a death, only we are all alive but what we had is now a death.

They say when there is a death, there is a birth. All I know is that cancer SUCKS! I have vowed to Tommy to be here with him every day and support him to make it through his challenges first and find the strength to show and live by my unconditional love that I highly regard for him, his daddy and sister!

Today, Sean would be 47 years old. Happy Birthday handsome! I wish I could hear you, hope that you hear me and can have some light on healing us all.

xo,

Kee

FOC

C - F R E E!!!

I don't know if anyone even checks in here any more, it's been so long since I posted. I took a LONG lunch break I guess. Remaining focus for as long as I did all caught up to me after the last treatment and I had to take some time away from here and a lot of things so I could slowly let the lid off and let myself come to terms with so much that I burried. I had NO idea of the emotions and anger I'd be left with afterwards - especially as I seemed to do so well with everything while going through it. I'm still walking out to the open free field from the sewer and it's still hard, MUCH harder than I ever thought or knew it would be. Nobody ever told me about this part!!! Kind of like being pregnant, nobody ever tells you about the "plug" or the frog position. Somebody PLEASE re-write that damn "What to Expect When You Are Expecting" book and tell these poor stupid woman what they are about to really face.

Okay, so where are things with Tommy today - cancer FREE! That's a BIG relief without a doubt. But he has had and still has many effects of the chemo to face and fight off. In fact, he's nearly 6 years old and we just got his 4 year old shots up to date last Friday. His hair is much thiner and his beautiful eye lashes he had never came back nearly as thick or long. In fact, it was just last week that I looked at him and saw my Chunky Monkey for the first time in 2.5 years and just strated to cry. He finally looks healthy and and just as he did when he was only 3 years old but much older and wiser. Oh that boy is an old old soul. He now has some gerth to him and he's handsome, oh so good looking to me. I am filled with tears to see my son again for the first time in so long. But lost so much time because of the cancer - that is so hard for me to get over. I also missed out on so much with my Maggie Mae. I don't really remember her being a baby - she's been shorted so much of the important things in life - of course she has so much more life to live, but when you as the mother of this beautiful child misses out and knows it and you are never able to recapture that time, you really get upset.

I know so many of you who are reading this are thinking just get over it, he's alive and cancer FREE. Trust me, we are very blessed with the out come and only those who have really lived and walked this hell can even begin to understand the anger that consumes one. Don't worry, we are working through it and sometimes avoiding it - all in a healthy way.

Please check back as I will post more updates and more about Tommy in the next few days. So much more to share and tell - about his health, school and life after chemo and cancer.

Chemo's DONE!

Tommy did it! Chemo's DONE ~ AMEN. Like all the other treatments, this last one was hard on him. We were at the hospital ALL day yesterday getting transfusions. Being that we enjoy our extended family at the "Dr's House" it was all good. A wonderful friend and office mate took care of Maggie till Tommy and I could get her around 8 PM. Thank you Angela for ALL that you did yesterday and know we greatly love you and your family.

Now that chemo is done, we'll start the next phase of the treatment which is all about follow up and rebuilding our Tommy. We start with a bone scan and chest x-ray on the 22nd and need to do a MRI, in addition to routine blood checks. The port will be removed from his chest in the near future as well (thinking March).

Tommy will have a BIG "Off Chemo" party from the hospital at the end of this month. He thinks all trophies are called "Piston Cups" from the movie "Cars" so I hope to find him a "Piston Cup" in honor of his chemo being done from Mag's, Dad and I. He has also been awarded a Hero Award and there will be an official presentation for it from the military. And we plan to do a family trip to Disneyland for him next month. His cousins in AZ are planning a party for him as well. Lots to celebrate and that's for sure!!!

Keep visitng back and look for updates. YES, yes, yes!!! Pictures will come...they're a pain to load and takes a lot of time - something I run short on these days.

<>< Kim

A Miraculous Healing

It IS a miraculous healing to announce Tommy is cancer FREE! And in less than 24 hours, he'll have the LAST dose of chemo for LIFE! As we part our ways from all who have become our extended family here at MAMC, we offer them the Miraculous Medal which is the perfect keepsake token to express our love, greatness and appreciation for the miracle they each have performed in the medical care of giving us back our Tommy!

Friday we will start Tommy's final chemo treatment around 9 AM and will be done around noon, after which he will have 12 hours of hydration, so we will spend our final night and when we awake on Saturday we will be walking out the double doors to the Nursing Tour for the last time as a chemo patient.

Here's the medal that each person we could think of at MAMC who helped in making our miraculous miracle what it was for us...and it was outstanding! For more inforamtion about the medal and it's meaning, please visit http://www.amm.org/medal.asp.

Peace be with you all.
XO,
K <><

The Start to the Finish Line!

WOW! I cannot believe I am sitting here and able to say we are starting the LAST treatment for Tommy!!! I remember when we started this...not sure if we should...not knowing how Tommy would react...challenging Dr. Forouhar - MAMC vs Seattle's Children...Nurse Becky, trying to give a pep talk and telling me there would be times I'd hate everyone and like them...having NO idea how I would be here and take care of my Maggie Mae - she was only 18 months old when this all started.

Now, here I am today older and wiser in the life of chemo and cancer and I am able to say with MUCH emotions, this is Tommy's LAST chemo treatment. It's just Tommy and I here at the hospital. Daryl is in CA flying for Alaska and Maggie is at home with her "Mama" AKA Auntie Stef (Kim's lil' sista) and nearly 10 year old nephew Kaden.

I want to thank everyone for all that you have done in supporting Tommy and us in getting to this point.

Tommy broke his foot - not the foot with the cancer in it. It was the same foot and bone that he broke 2 years ago. He will get his cast off this week and he cannot wait, he telling Dr. Forouhar today that he wants to scratch the bottom of his foot.

Tommy's hair is sprouting -- hope this week long of chemo treatments doesn't make it all go away. It's been so long since we have seen him with hair, it will be weird to see him with it. Plus he's not the baby he was when he lost it. He's so much more mature and VERY strong minded and willed. Gee, wonder who he gets that from! Aunt Stef says he's a mini me through and through and Maggie is a little of both.

More to follow later in the week.

Love & Peace <>< Kim

Need Prayers!

Happy New Year to you all!!! We thought our Tommy would be done with his chemo treatments at this point...not the case. For the last FIVE weeks we have gone to the Dr House (Hospital) every other day to see if Tommy's blood counts are up and strong enough for chemo, but his little body has been through so much, he's just not rebounding.

Our next attempt will next week on Tuesday. If his platelets are still too low, then they will have to start some tests to see what's going on. Hard not to have a wild imagination but I refuse to give in to them. I have never feared that Tommy wouldn't concur the cancer, in fact he has - the chemo is just protocol, but the cancer is GONE!

Daryl starts his first official flight with Alaska Airlines tomorrow! I'm VERY proud of all that he has accomplished and to have been at his side the entire time of both of his flying careers and support him all the way!! What will be hardship on all of us is having him based out of LAX while we live in Washington. Funny that we waited nearly a decade before we started a family so that our children wouldn't have to suffer the growing aches and pains of their daddy's absence while serving in the military and here we are still living with what we didn't want. The ultimate goal is for him to get stationed out of Seattle in about a year from now. I think the kids and I will be doing a lot of traveling by ourselves to Arizona to deal with the split lifestyle. Nothing like a little sunshine to cure the blues and lots of time playing with cousins.

Keep the prayers going for Tommy and know I love you for them!!! <><

Two More then FINISHED!

Tommy has only two more treatments and then he's DONE! I honestly do not know how he has done this...not to mention as well as he has. Daryl and I were looking at his pictures from the last 12 months and feel like Tommy was robbed from part of his childhood. He's aged so much, not only in the physical form, but also in wisdom.

Tommy lit the Christmas tree at the hospital in a formal tree lighting ceremony, which was followed by him getting serenaded by the Army band at his room when we arrived back to the floor. It was all VERY special and if there is one event Tommy can remember from all this treatment is this ceremony.

Daryl's parents came to help with Maggie while Tommy was getting treatment. It was comforting to have them here and when Tommy came home we had an early Christmas celebration before they had to go home later that day.

This week has been hard on Tommy. Tuesday night he spiked a fever of 102 which landed us back in the hospital. The nurse had a heck of a time accessing his port. So after seeing four needles and each one was attempted three to four times of accessing him (so do the math, that means she poked and tried 12 to 16 times!) I finally told the Dr to get me gloves because I was going to do it! It was intense and I was exhausted watching her try, and besides, I had been fully trained how to do it (thank you Susie!) so on my first attempt FINALLY he was fully accessed. We spent a couple of days in the hospital getting him antibiotics and a blood transfusion. So we came home late Wednesday and spent ALL day Friday again at the hospital for yet another transfusion, this time of platelets. He's scheduled for chemo tomorrow, but I'm 99% certain his platelets are still too low so he won't get it. If that's the case, we'll try again later this week because of the holidays and wanting to get these last two treatments over ASAP.

More to follow later this week and maybe those photos I keep teasing you with. Take care and God bless. <><